Many people who enter couples counseling think that most marital problems, start with communication problems. They think that resentment from both sides and being overly defensive is the effect of lack of communication, but the fact is that’s just part of a bigger, underlying problem.

The truth is, it’s the lack of connection that should be addressed in order to revitalize your intimacy as partners. It’s the glue that holds most relationships together. Without it, passions fade, fighting and bickering increases, then separation and/or resentment takes over.

Now, how do couples get it together and restore that love connection? Here’s seven ways to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level:

1. Lighten Up

Whoever said that marriage should be serious and boring? A bit of misunderstanding shouldn’t hurt the relationship; keeping the thought in perspective and sharing a communal sense of humor helps in seeing the big picture in partnership. Grudges shouldn’t be held. Instead, focus on being appreciative, caring and affection to repair the marriage and bring about real healing.

2. Be Kinder

Though you’ve been together for a good number of years, you shouldn’t assume that you know what the person is thinking. The everyday worries and stress can take a toll on anyone’s mind, so move back a little and allow some space for an emotional and spiritual recharge.

3. Reflect

Think about why you both agreed to be married in the first place. Ask yourself, “why do I love him/her?” “what kind of life do I want together with him/her?” Don’t be afraid to share this in couples counseling; speak from the heart and listen to your partner without judging or thinking of a response.

4. Go For a Hug

Physical intimacy can start with a partner’s hug. Don’t think about the consequences such as saying something dumb, your partner hugging you back half-heartedly or refusing on a hug. Do it, and let the reconnection take its place back in the relationship.

5. Say Sorry

It could be especially hard to apologize especially if you feel wronged, but you can phrase it in such a way that you say sorry for any disconnect caused. Make it with as little excuse as possible, and with short, kind words.

6. Set Aside Couples Time Everyday

Set a special time at least once each day for just talking or spending time with each other. Remove any and all distractions such as mobile phones, the TV or social media; drop everything and look at your spouse in the eye, then focus on listening and pay attention to what he or she is saying.

7. A Daily Thank You

This is a great way to show how important the relationship and your partner means to you. Say a little thank you and be appreciative of the little things you do for each other. For example, you can show how much you’re grateful as your other half prepared breakfast, or made coffee.

If you need professional help in establishing a better connection contact Patricia Hecht, MFT at (415) 813-0404, a professional San Francisco couples counselor, to rekindle that flame of love and trust.