How do we know how to help our loved ones effectively? This is a common question that I see in my San Francisco and Pasadena family counseling practice. An interesting article that has addressed the problem of over involved helicopter parents was recently in the New York Times [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/12/opinion/sunday/too-much-helicopter-parenting.html?_r=0].
Of course, American parents are very involved in the lives of their children. This involvement touches on scheduling play dates, helping with homework, and even in choosing college courses. However, several recent studies have suggested that too much help by helicopter parents can actually harm their children. One study found that the more money that parents spend on educating their child, the worse their child’s grades are. Another study found that the more involved parents are in choosing the details of college work such as selection of majors, the less satisfied that students feel with their lives.
The authors conclude that certain types of help prevent the child from receiving a sense of accountability for their own performance. Why should children spend a lot of time working hard, when their parents will always be around to solve their problems?
This helicopter help appears to be a general type of psychological phenomenon. Overbearing helicopter type helping tends to negatively affect virtually all relationships. The authors found in their own study regarding fitness goals in women found the same effects. They observed that women who thought a lot about how their spouse was helpful with health and fitness goals spent less time pursuing these goals.
This is not to say that helping others does not have important benefits. The problem is to figure out a way to help your loved ones without negatively affecting their own sense of personal accountability and motivation. The authors of this article conclude that the best way is to only help when the recipient truly needs it, and then help in a way to support the recipient’s activities rather than substitute for their efforts.
I found this article fascinating and very relevant to the practice of family counseling. Calibrating the support parents give to their children appears to be very important to helping children take responsibility and accountability for their own success.
One goal I have is a family counselor is to help parents understand how to give help to their children. I have found that it is very valuable to have a professional family counselor provide assistance to parents when they are unsure of how much support they need to provide to their children. This help to parents can result in children having an easier transition to being happy and productive adults.
To get started learning how to help your children more effectively and better, you can call family counselor Patricia Hecht, MFT, at her family counseling office in Pasadena at (626) 657-8639 or her family counseling office in San Francisco at (415) 813-0404.